CLAIRE VOYANT’S 2015 GRAND NATIONAL…

‘They’re crossing the Melling Road and it’s Rocky Creek and Godsmejudge that continue to dispute it; three lengths back to Shutthefrontdoor and a running-on Goonyella then comes Monbeg Dude. These are clear of a loose horse and the chasers headed by Soll.

‘They’re into the straight and facing up to the last two fences. Rocky Creek is edging ahead and is going to rise first ahead of Godsmejudge with Shutthefrontdoor still three lengths away in third. It’s five lengths back to Goonyella. Monbeg Dude is now four lengths back in fifth but he is closing steadily. The leaders are over safely. On touching down Rocky Creek lands a length ahead. Godsmejudge is over in second but he looks tired. McCoy is now making a move on Shutthefrontdoor and is only two lengths away.

‘Here’s the run to the last: still it’s Rocky Creek by just over a length – make that two now; I do believe he is going for home. Shutthefrontdoor has joined Godsmejudge for second. Four lengths back to Goonyella and then two to Monbeg Dude. The race can only concern these now as they’re ragged in behind.

‘Coming to the last – almost at the end of their four mile-plus marathon – but still it feels as if there’s a long way to go and that anything could happen. Rocky Creek takes it with a three length lead. He’s over – brushing through the top of the fence – Shutthefrontdoor lands in second. Godsmejudge is looking tired back in third ahead of Goonyella and Monbeg Dude who are disputing fourth.

‘Ahead is the heartbreak of the long run-in. They are starting on their final climb, approaching the Elbow. It’s Rocky Creek chased by Shutthefrontdoor. They’re on the run to the line now and the leader is getting weary as Shutthefrontdoor appears to be closing. The crowd is raising the roof as McCoy is in overdrive. Is it possible? Can they get up?

‘Rocky Creek still leads but he’s been prominent for a long time and he’s looking lonely in front. Shutthefrontdoor has reduced the lead to length. We’re set for a pulsating finish. It’s Rocky Creek far side, Shutthefrontdoor stands’ side; the crowd is willing McCoy but he’s not there yet. Rocky Creek is fighting back – gallant as a gladiator – he’s finding more from somewhere!

‘There’s a hundred and fifty yards to race. Still it’s Rocky Creek in front by three-parts of a length. But the gap is narrowing. Shutthefrontdoor is beginning to get up. It’s Rocky Creek by half-a-length but McCoy is the cavalry and he’s coming!

‘There’s a hundred yards to race; and what a race it’s become! Both horses are digging deep. Neither look like cracking but Rocky Creek can find no more. Shutthefrontdoor is the one that’s finishing – he’s the one with an ounce of reserve left! They’re neck and neck beneath packed stands. The crowd is raising the roof. You’ve never heard anything like it!

‘McCoy’s taken it up; Shutthefrontdoor hits the front for the first time. He’s a head in front; now it’s a neck, now half-a-length! Unbelievably, after thirty fences and four miles, Shutthefrontdoor is producing a sprint finish – he’s claimed the National – McCoy’s done it in the shadow of the post!

‘There’s bedlam below me. Racegoers are trying to get on to the track. It’s like England’s World Cup win in 1966 all over again! McCoy-mania has broken out! The best-backed favourite for the race since Red Rum has won and McCoy is ecstatic. And so are the punters who helped force this horse’s price down to 5/2. I’ve never seen anything like it, not even here at Aintree: the home of drama!

‘McCoy is about to be honoured as he and Shutthefrontdoor make their weary way to the unsaddling enclosure. There are so many people surrounding them you can hardly make horse and rider out. They are being mobbed by an exultant crowd!

‘In all this excitement I need to draw breath. Let me bring you up to date with the full result:
1st: Shutthefrontdoor 5/2Fav
2nd: Rocky Creek 9/1
3rd: Goonyella 25/1
4th: Monbeg Dude 33/1
5th: Godsmejudge 25/1

‘It’s a disaster for bookmakers but it’s a triumph for McCoy and for this great race alike. It’s the kind of fairytale result that only the National can provide – why it’s Red Rum and Aldaniti combined. It’s the result only fiction writers could have conceived; yet it’s happened for real, played out right in front of a packed stands here at Aintree and witnessed by ten million viewers around the world.
‘There goes McCoy’s whip – he’s thrown it to the crowd, like he no longer needs it. And he doesn’t – surely this is to be his last ride. And what a ride! This is the end of an era. The Champ goes out on a winning ride and that ride is in the greatest race of them all – The Grand National!’

Maybe not … then again …

CHELTENHAM MUSINGS…

On Tuesday I popped into my club with Margo Leadbetter (Mrs Spy). In a piece already loaded with pseudonyms I should point out I call it my club, in fact it is the local Weatherspoons in Newbury. Tuesday is steak day, when you can get a steak meal at a discount and a free drink. Where possible the film appreciation society (consisting of myself and another equally sad individual) convenes on a Tuesday, its visits to the cinema coinciding with a trip to our club as we refer to it. From there we discuss the movie we have seen, down a few sherbets and dine out on steak – something (in keeping with other so-called privileges) neither of us receives on a regular basis at home.

As it has been half-term recently, suitable films for a couple of aging duffers have been thin on the ground. Our last effort was Kingsman: The Secret Service – which, with an improbable script that only appealed to those with a mental age of fourteen or below, owes an apology to the three-year Galileo colt trained by John Gosden of the same name. Of course there is always Fifty Shades Of Grey, but those with a preponderance for such material might like to know that there is an infinitely better alternative currently available called The Duke of Burgundy. You might also be gratified to know its cast is all-female.

So, bereft of my companion, after a few stilted greetings with regulars, I steered Mrs Spy to an oak-panelled section of the pub which resembles the interior of an old-fashioned railway carriage. We were seated in this annexe when a couple of out-of-control kiddie-winkies encroached on our tranquillity by shrieking and running from table to table. Momentarily forgetting with whom I was dining, my immediate response was to suggest someone should tell them to shut the **** up. This did not go down well with my lady companion but I reasoned my supposed rudeness was matched by that of the mother who allowed her little beasts to run around unchecked. Why do these women think it is acceptable to inflict us with the behaviour of their awful children? It’s a good job we don’t live in America – in which case I fear my hand may have clasped the butt of my Glock.

However, we and all around survived and the ghastly little ensemble moved on. That was when my ears pricked up at the news that filtered from the next table: it was only a fortnight away. What was? The start of the Flat? The Dubai World Cup? The General Election?

‘It’ of course is Cheltenham. And that’s as close as it is. Rather like the current crop of films – good but not quite Carling (Ex-Machina, Fury and Whiplash being the best in the club’s opinion) – Cheltenham looks a little lacking this year. Doubtless it will rewrite that perception once it starts; after all, Cheltenham is, well, Cheltenham.

But right now I am not sure how involved I shall be. Four short-priced favourites kick-off the meeting on Tuesday when there could be blood on the canvas (or betting ring). Douvan is top-priced at 7/4 for the Supreme – Un De Sceaux as low as 1/2 for the Arkle. Then there is 1/1 shot Faugheen in the Champion Hurdle, followed by the 4/7 chance Annie Power in the Mares’ Final.

Wednesday is dominated by the comeback kings Sprinter Sacre and Sire De Grugy in the Champion Chase. Their presence polarises opinion with groups evenly split between those that think the clock will be turned back and those that think it will advance with Dodging Bullets.

And on Friday we are faced with another Marmite decision when Silviniaco Conti attempts to shrug aside two monumental disappointments over this course and distance in the Gold Cup. There is the strong suspicion he doesn’t stay; on the other hand maybe it’s the track, but Paul Nicholls says there is no problem. Maybe not…

Of course these races offer the bare bones of numerous script options. Therein lies the intrigue supplied by racing that often promises more than it delivers, but richly layers the cake when the anticipated dish is served.

All will be revealed.

Researching the major races, it crossed my mind the mother should take her two unruly children to Cheltenham and dump them in the car park where they can run around and shriek all they like. Maybe Angelina Jolie will come along and adopt them.
CHRISTMAS GREETINGS…

Christmas is upon us it seems. Once Strictly Come Dancing concludes and they publish the Boxing Day declarations there is no point in denying it any longer.

I shall refrain from quoting Slade, whose accountant surely sifts through holiday brochures at this time. But, however you look at it or intend to spend it, it is kind of Christmas. You know the time of year when you can freely admit you prefer breasts to legs, when you can drink champagne for breakfast and pretend to like the person you detest with a vengeance for the rest of the year.

Herewith, with the aid of some of the best quotes, is a somewhat jaundiced, but hopefully humorous look at the coming festive period:

Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realise what you spent – around April fifteenth of the following year. –P.J. Rourke

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyliss Diller

Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home. – Carol Nelson

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December. – Ogden Nash

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. – Jay Leno

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. – Joan Rivers

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying: Toys not included. – Bernard Manning

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. – Dennis Miller

Santa has the right idea – he visits people once a year. – Victor Borge

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark. – Dick Gregory.

A man bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about such an extravagant gift, a friend of his commented, ‘I thought she wanted one of those SUVs.’ ‘She did,’ the man replied. ‘But where was I going to find a fake Honda?’

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. – Kin Hubbard

Maybe the last word should go to Bob Hope, who once said, ‘My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?’

Have a good one…

NICKY SET TO BECOME CHRISTMAS SAINT…

We all need a cash injection this time of year. With two-and-a-bit frantic weeks left to Christmas, gambling on horses may be an unlikely source for many but help may be at hand. For, although not about to streak across the wintry sky pulled by reindeer, a different Saint Nick, in the shape of Nicky Henderson (who would be a natural in a red coat and a white beard) could ride to the rescue from his stable in Lambourn.

Many of the Seven Barrows inmates were said to be in need of their debut runs but there is nothing wrong with the overall form of the yard. With typical understatement and caution, Mr Henderson is loading his ammunition with care. Following a soggy autumn that curtailed battle plans, the powerful team are now assembling with intent. After three winners at Newbury over the Hennessy meeting, one or two of those involved in early skirmishes this season look ready to return to action and fire broadsides this Saturday.

In the interests of his readers and nothing whatsoever to do with an on-tap supply of London Pride, your intrepid correspondent recently paid a mid-week visit to Lambourn in an attempt to track down some inside-information.

Two pints in comes the news that after his excellent effort under top weight at Cheltenham in the Paddy Power, Oscar Whisky has thrived at home and will line-up at Sandown for the Tingle Creek in the form of his life. On balance I would prefer him to be in the form of his life rather than to be working the house down, which often tells us little once we realise the house is still standing. Some metaphors resonate with me: form of his life is one. Armed with such knowledge, all you have to do is work out if being in such a condition entitles the horse in question to win his targeted race. In this case it does. With several big guns notable by their absence, this year’s renewal of the Grade 1 is up for grabs. Baldur Succes is the current market leader and along with fellow Grade 1 scorer God’s Own, with whom he is closely matched on their running at Punchestown in the spring and at Exeter last month, they look the main dangers. Dodging Bullets and Somersby are unconvincing at this level, as is Hinterland (winner on this card last year), whilst promising Vukovar lacks the experience. Currently available at 7/1, Oscar Whisky looks significantly overpriced here.

Another pint in (or is it two?) and a packet of peanuts later comes the news that Cup Final (often an eye-catcher; he chased home Irving twice last season over an inadequate trip), having put in a satisfactory reappearance at Cheltenham in November, has improved greatly since and is expected to step into the limelight on the same card at Sandown in the handicap over 2m 6f – won by Saphir Du Rheu last year. Actually, I have watered down the prediction somewhat. By now, with the Prides going down quicker than a woman’s knickers at a hen night, Cup Final is poised to piss-up. That is to say – and at least I hope I am relaying this correctly – he is about to piss-up in his allotted race as opposed to attend such a function in the Pheasant on Saturday night.

With Sweet Deal (who relishes easy ground) a possibility in the listed handicap hurdle at 2.25, the Henderson stable is strongly represented at Sandown on Saturday and although by now, some five pints later, a treble was a formality, even in the light of day it is clear all three have serious claims.

Potential decimation of Saturday’s cards does not stop at the Esher track. With Dawalan (an encouraging staying-on fourth at Haydock two weeks ago), Ma Filleule (forget that Down Royal run in November) and Hunt Ball (returning to fences after a pipe-opener over timber at Ascot) engaged at Aintree, the Henderson yard looks set to fire a serious salvo on Saturday.

Being realistic, and without an infusion of London Pride, none of the targets is easy. Resistance will be stiff but, although at present Oscar Whisky and Cup Final are the horses on the lips of those that pick up brooms and make leather creak at Seven Barrows, the supporting cast from the stable looks too strong to overlook.