Note From Bob

A typically self effacing tongue -in-cheek piece from “SPY” after not having the best Goodwood he’s ever had.

(But haven’t we all been there at some time?)

NO CIGAR, NO PORSCHE – NOT EVEN

AN ICE CREAM…

If we believe the marketing, this is supposed to be a glorious week. With a mizzle straight out of Wuthering Heights and a sea fret from Jamaica Inn, it started as anything but.

However, despite the rain, the ground, although on the easy side, was not soft. Anyway, I have a plan. I am taking a leaf out of one of those self-help manuals – you know the sort of thing – written by a know-it-all that charges £100 a shot for a seminar. He promises to reveal the secrets of success to those eager to listen. You and I could be part of this high-powered world with correct coaching, at least according to the speaker who seems to have it all wrapped up. Makes you wonder what he is doing targeting losers like us when he could be making inroads into his second million.

Without needing such assistance, I provide my own motivation. I set myself a betting target with a reward at its end. The target is to win between three and five thousand pounds on the week. The reward is to use the money to buy a Porsche offered in an eBay auction.

Owning a Porsche is top of many a list of things to do. This one is a 1999, 2.5 Roadster. Porsche have hardly tampered with the shape of this car over the years, so equipped with private plates the age of this particular model will not be evident. It is in turquoise with a black leather interior. It has only done 52,000 miles and has a year’s MOT. A year can be a lifetime in this game and I can picture myself rolling up to Kempton on a Wednesday evening, drawing admiring glances from those that know me. They will obviously conclude I am doing well and it could be good for business. That aside, it has always been an ambition to drive a Porsche – here is my chance …

Day One and I am enthusiastic. I am prepared to take on penalised Aljamaaheer with Producer who is a seven-furlong specialist, will like the ground and has solid overall form, including when beating the favourite at Leicester earlier in the year. Clearly I am on the right lines as they have withdrawn Aljamaaher. Richard Hannon (I am not sure which one), promptly sends out the first two winners.

He trains Producer. I don’t need to know that. It reminds me of a day at Newcastle when Willie Carson rode five winners, his only loser being the one I backed! This puts me in mind of how finite luck is. Producer goes to post calmly enough but takes a fierce hold on the way back, effectively losing his race in the first hundred yards. Now I remember him doing the same thing at Epsom. I have lost my money in cold blood. And why did I so readily overlook Garswood? This is not a good start.

When I think about it, a Porsche is a bit of an indulgence. I mean, it will be expensive to insure and is unlikely to better 30MPG. And it will probably spend most of its life outside the house making the drive look nice. It could be a temptation to burglars, and what about the likelihood of its soft top being slashed in Kingston’s car park? Still, it is a Porsche…

Day Two and, running off a penalty in the opener, I reckon Broxbourne could be well-in. She has the beating of chief rival Lieutenant Miller on their Doncaster form earlier in the season and won readily at Ascot last week. However, there is the question of the trip. We know she gets two miles, but this is 2m 5f. Backing her would be taking a bit of a chance. She is by Refuse To Bend and he won a Guineas. These races can be very hard to solve, best I stick to the bet of the day – if not the bet of the week – Excess Knowledge. I watch Joe Fanning conjure a winning burst from Broxbourne that sees the partnership mow down Lieutenant Miller inside the last furlong.

Excess Knowledge handles Goodwood like a drunken sailor on leave in Hong Kong. Gathered together he starts to find his stride. Then he is hampered by Spillway – a 33/1 chance; his jockey loses his reins, he gets going again but is beaten by a fast-closing head. Results like this leave you shell-shocked. You try to keep your composure but feel someone has it in for you.

Clearly Excess Knowledge should have won, but somehow didn’t. It’s as if someone up there doesn’t want you to get above yourself. Results like this make you question what you are doing.

I backed Toronado at Ascot where he should have won the St James’s Palace Stakes but for a crunching bump. Justice has been done; I cheer him home with misty eyes as if I have backed him again here. Then comes the realisation that such emotion is costly and I am left to wonder why I didn’t have the courage of my convictions.

I am intent on backing Ribbons in the handicap but she is reluctant to go down. Horses are implacable but she seems to have a just-been-stung-by-a-wasp expression on her face. I am beginning to feel an affinity with her. She consents to start and pricks her ears a furlong out before taking off, winning easily.

Let me tell you a little more about the Porsche. Indulge me; talking about it might be as close as I am liable to get. Did I mention its distinctive colour; that it is taxed and that according to the photographs is relatively free of scratches? It seems there is another significant Porsche fact to impart. Right now, someone other than me is going to own it. Perhaps they backed Garswood and Toronado.

Day Three looks like being quiet. The two with the best chances appear to be Figure Of Speech and Wild Coco but are short. I decide to let them run. It is hot and I have a cold lager in the sun.

Day Four and it is not too late to make amends. Another foot may be about to rev the pedal on the Porsche, but I have a strong fancy for Smoothtalkinrascal in the King George Stakes. I will spare you my reasoning. He is available at 10/1. The race is tough but, surely, Montiridge is an able back up in the second race. He looks primed to add to the Hannon tally and will pay for the day whatever happens. He wins but Smoothtalkinrascal is not keen at the start, fluffing his race as the stalls open. Once again, I am prepared to lose but there is no need to make me feel like a jerk!

Never mind a motor car, there is a coupon in the Racing Post that entitles me to a free ice cream. I am beginning to think I should take advantage of it while I can.

Day Five on Saturday looks impossible! If you haven’t won by now it is unlikely you are about to do so in races like the Stewards’ Cup or the sprint handicap that opens the card. I assume Sky Lantern will stay the ten furlongs of the Nassau, but have no desire to pay to find out.

The Porsche is sold. The hammer fell at £4,797. Someone is behind the wheel as I write. I bet the top is down and the driver has a big blonde in a short skirt sitting in the leather seat beside him. The pair of them will be listening to something like Fleetwood Mac or Tom Petty on the stereo.

What do I care? Sunday is Family Fun Day at Leicester. I could do with some fun. However, I don’t have a family and am not going to Leicester. I mean, without a car, how would I get there?